I have discovered several things about myself in the last few weeks, in the midst of transition.
I keep throwing this word around and realized never in my life had it really even been a word in my vocabulary. I have been struggling with many emotions, and it has been hard for me to explain my feelings or thoughts. In fact I was asked "what is it specifically that is worrying you at this moment in time"? I had no answer, partly because I was in the midst of a full on ugly cry. I mean like the cry that makes people squirm with discomfort. A little back story.
I came to a mom's retreat at a local hotel, attended by many of the moms/mums on board the ship. I had really struggled with the decision to attend. In fact I only packed the bag 15 minutes before we were due to leave. I get to the vehicle and it is full, not packed but full. I immediately was like " I am just going to go get a taxi" which if we can be honest was code for "I am not coming"! After much coaxing from the people in the car that there was plenty of room, I reluctantly got in and off we went.
I came to the room and found a wonderful surprise from my husband and girls. It was so spirit lifting and a true blessing. It was filled with love notes from my people, a bath bomb, chocolate bar, candle, and a lighter. Now for those who know me you know I LOVE all things wonderful smelling, and candles are definitely at the top of the list. Living on a ship I can not have them, so the thought my husband put into this bag was so amazing.
Now some of the moms and I spent a few hours by the pool and laughed while sharing stories. We even ordered appetizers and sat around giggling. I happened to notice a small (we shall call it a mouse with a long tail) scavenger run under the table, remember we are in Africa. I lean over to the lovely lady next to me and tell her, as it did run across her shoes, and managed to cause a frenzy. There were squeals and women on chairs, but also lots of laughter.
We had a lovely dinner filled with stories, delicious food, dessert and WINE. After dinner we had a session with our "leading mom" and this is where the ugly crying came in. We heard her story of how her family came to be with Mercy Ships. I tried to listen so intently and not feel like "how does this apply to me"? I have to disclose I have been super angry and disconnected already due to our up coming transition. Here this word came up again. But I am just being honest, I have been straight up STRUGGLING! I am quite difficult to be around at times (more than usual). During her story she said a few things that resonated with me, in fact I needed to hear them. She asked the mentor moms to pray over us, and I just wept. I am so sad as I know I will miss this so much! I keep telling myself it is okay the way I feel, but is it really?
I go back to the room with my roommate, and we lay in bed and chat for a few and then lights out. Well as per my usual I can't sleep, so I am currently sitting in the bathroom on the floor typing as quietly as I can. This is real, this is me!
So while I was laying and praying for sleep I said to the Lord "what is transition anyway and why do I feel this way"?
So I looked it up and the definition is the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. But What struck me was not the definition but the synonyms. The words that stuck out to me was metamorphosis and transformation. Sitting here on the bathroom floor it hit me.
I am in the midst of my transformation! My time here has mattered and DOES matter. It is as I type transforming me. So I vow to release the anger and resentment I have been harboring. I have been giving people on board the ship too much credit, as if they had made the decision that would ultimately result in my family returning home. When in fact it was my Abba, my heavenly daddy who already has walked before me and made the path we will journey on to bring glory to Him!
I am grateful for the memories we have made. The adventures we have had. The life we have shared with hundreds of people, literally. This was our first time with the organization, and I didn't spend many years on board, but I am forever changed because of this life!
I have to trust that the Lord loves our family, specifically speaking my daughters more than I ever could and that He will take care of them. I have felt like I have been at war within myself about their education, and tonight we heard this verse from Isaiah 54:13 that says:
All your sons will be taught of the LORD; And the well-being of your sons will be great. Another translation words it like this,
All your children shall be taught by the LORD, and great shall be the peace
of your children.
of your children.
What a relief to be reminded that I am not in control, the the LORD will teach my girls. He will provide the teachers they need. He had already thought it all out, I need not worry as they will have great peace because He love them!
I need to believe what I have heard is true. Colossians 1:10
so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,
Good night friends and loved ones! May you rest in His arms tonight and have dreams sent straight from heaven!